This Is Not a Love Story

Not a day goes by where someone somewhere tries to do something sweet for their significant other and it blows up in their face. For some reason, this ALWAYS happens to me. Allow me to set the scene for you.

Its December, cold, icy, and The Gerbil and I are staying in a small house she was currently renting. A horrible ice storm blew in and rendered us victims of home bound, going nowhere, chronic boredom so warm cuddles and a nap was completely called for. In the middle of our deep sleep a loud crash on the roof wakes me up. I jump up out of bed with the quickness (The Gerbil still passed out) and come to the realization that a frozen tree branch has fallen upon the house and killed the power. I alert The Gerbil.

Luckily, The Gerbil already payed the deposit on the new apartment we were about to move into. With this in mind, we grabbed the necessities (food, alcohol & soda, microwave, pillows, and blankets) and migrate to the apartment. We spent our first few nights sleeping on the floor in the living room of the new apartment, waiting for creation to thaw so we could properly move in. Now, I told you this little story so you would understand the super sweet thing I tried to do that blew up in my face.

The weekend following this catastrophe, that is the icy hell, I had to work back in my hometown 30-45 minutes north of where we live. Since I had to work all weekend, the plan was for me to stay all weekend in my hometown since another snow storm was on it's way. The snow started falling Friday morning and I had to be at work Friday night at 6. At my house I had a full size air mattress that I thought would be useful to The Gerbil while I was away for the weekend. Oh the simple yet complex ideas I come up with.

For some unknown reason, my "inner genius" told me I can make it to my hometown, get the air mattress, bring it back, set it up, and get back to my hometown in time to go to work. This would not have been a problem if it wasn't snowing outside. I make it to my home, get the air mattress, and am halfway back at this time. I'm talking to my mama on the phone and telling her what I'm doing. I inform her I want to keep her on the phone in case something bad happens and I've been on the phone the entire time I've been on the road. I'm about 15 minutes or so from the apartment and my mama has to go. I tell her I'll be alright and we hang up. (click......errrrrttttt.......sssskkkkkkssssss.......whooosh..........crash!!!)

Thaaaat's riiight. The second we hang up, I'm in a ditch. Not just a ditch, a median.  No getting out of here without a chain or some kind of leverage. I can hear the sound of the explosion of my fantastic idea blowing up in my face. I call my mama back, tell her I'm in a median, and she laughs. I'm a little ticked....and she laughs. Not cool. I told her I will 411 a wrecker and call her back later when I get out of the median.

I'm standing outside of my car when, one by one, people start stopping to check on me. One guy in a truck stops and asks me if I have a rope. Immediately my mind yells, "No you dipdot! I drive a car! You have a truck! You should be the one with a rope!" But my mouth says, "No sir, guess I'm out of luck." He apologizes (I guess for being useless) and drives the hell away. I finally get a hold of a wrecker and all is well.

Still standing outside my car (because I'm stupid) I call my mama and inform her I have a wrecker on the way. While on the phone with my mama, another truck stops. This is a red, one ton, dodge duly with a cowboy driving. I'm thinking I'm saved, that would be a no. He slows down as he pulls to the side of the road, rolls his window down as he approaches, is moving at a glacier pace creep when he sees me on my phone, and without stopping he says, "Oh! You have a cell phone. You're OK." And he drives the hell away. Mind says, "What the hell! Yes sir! Just because I have a cell phone my car will now magically lift out of the median, set itself down on the road, and I can be on my merry way!" People piss me off.

Even a cop stopped to check on me. When I told him I have a wrecker on the way he says, "Alright, let me get your tag number so I know not to come back and check on you." Ummm, OK?

This one was touching though. A woman in a tiny old car stopped and asked me if I needed anything. I should have told her to go back to town and get me some Taco Bell since her car had no problem driving about. I told her I was alright and that I had a wrecker on the way. She asked me if I was thirsty and said she had water. Peeerrrrfeeeect. I had been chain smoking for about 2 hours waiting on the wrecker so my mouth was drier than a nun's crotch. My eyebrows raise to show my excitement about the water and I tell her water would be luxurious right now. I figured she'd hand me a bottle of Sam's brand. No. She hands me a gallon of distilled water from Wal-Mart. Omg yes! I thank her, get in my car with the heater, smoke and drink my water from the gallon as I await the arrival of the wrecker.

I have to say the funniest part of this whole thing was when The Gerbil called me on her break and had no idea that any of this was going on. I get back to the apartment, set up the bed, called in for the whole weekend, and waited for her to get off work. She comes home, I tell her the whole story, and we spent the whole weekend eating microwave pizzas, drinking Smirnoff, and sleeping on a comfy air mattress THAT HAS A WHOLE IN IT! WTF?!? Oh, and, keeping each other "warm."

It was all worth it though cause it worked out for the better in the end. ;)

7/15/2010 03:30:12 pm

Ugh. Totally relate to things blowing up in your face.
I'm the girl who elbows and hits and just generally hurts the girlfriend when all I'm doing is trying to hug/kiss/somehow attempt being sweet.

7/15/2010 03:32:46 pm

She lies. She is just abusive.



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    And now...the REST of the story...

    If you're new, please start here.  (And then read THIS.)

    TiNaLS Crew:

    The Gerbil: That's me.

    The Girlfriend: Umm, my girlfriend/fiancée.

    The Big One:
    My 7 year old son

    The Short One:
    My 5 year old son

    My kitten

    The Girlfriend's cat

    Anyone else will be nicknamed appropriately as needed.


    August 2010
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